Letting go
by UnknownPen
Summary: Terry, Max, Dana and a wedding. Please Read and Review. I don't own these characters, but I sure do like 'em. One-shot.


_**A/N: **__For Kyoko, who moved me from ambivalence to giddy obsession over this pairing, and Quill1688 without whom this fic would never have been posted. There's a version with an alternate ending but let's see what you think of this first. Reviews will be highly appreciated._

**Letting go**

I always knew he'd end up with her. Everyone did. They were the perfect couple.

The invitation arrived in the mail today. I should be glad. He's my best friend. I only want him to be happy. She makes him happy.

Except…

It still hurts. God, it hurts so much.

It shouldn't still hurt. It was so long ago. It was only a tiny knot in the threads of our lives, barely noticeable. He and Dana were on one of their many breaks. Only this time, he was convinced it was permanent. He came to me for comfort, for solace. My heart ached to see him so down, so broken. He cried – probably the first time I'd ever seen him do that – and I cradled his head in my lap, wiping away his tears.

There was nobody to wipe away my tears.

He stuck pretty close to me after that. I guess he didn't want to be alone – to feel her absence. He walked to school with me and walked me home afterward. He always stayed. We'd watch movies together, with the living room lights turned down low until my sister got home. He liked to put his arm behind my head. Sometimes his arm would drop and I'd feel his fingers on my shoulder.

I'd try not to think about how I felt when he pulled me closer. I refused to notice how my heart quickened when he held my hand. I kept my eyes locked on the characters in front of us, knowing when their story was over, ours would be, too.

And then one day, the screen faded to black and he didn't move. Neither did I. He was so comfortable. He felt like home. I could have fallen asleep like that, with his arm around me. I wanted to.

I glanced at him. His eyes were solemn, if a bit troubled, trained somewhere in the middle distance. His mouth was in set into a hard line. He was thinking about her again, I guessed. He had to be. So I inched away from him and started to get up so I could switch on the light. I had homework to do, even if things like that didn't always seem important when he was around.

His hand shot out and grabbed my wrist, pulling me back down hard. I wanted to laugh, or to tell him off – I did neither. I just stared at him questioningly.

"I love you," he told me.

I started to shake inwardly. He'd said that to me before, but it was different this time. I knew it. The speech centre of my brain seemed to shut down so I couldn't for the life of me, form a coherent response. And then he kissed me and I didn't have to say a word.

For the ephemeral moment that he was mine and I was his, I was happier than I'd ever dared to be. It just felt right, the two of us. Nobody knew him better than me. And I was an open book to him. I loved him so much I thought I might lose my mind. I already had, along with my heart and soul. But I had his in exchange. Or so I thought.

Barely a month later, they were back together. He made sure to end it with me first. I pretended to understand. After all, theirs was the great love story. I was just a detour. I'd known that all along. So I told him not to worry about it, I promised him I would be fine. I practised putting down the queasiness I felt when I saw him hold her hand, and smiling benevolently when they kissed. I became so good at pretending, I didn't even realize I was doing it anymore.

I promised not to beat myself up for not finding my soulmate in junior high, as he had. I had time. I would find the one for me eventually; someone for whom I'd be more than a substitute, a place-holder. I knew it would happen. I thought it had, a couple of times. Each time, there was one missing element: something I couldn't name or place or explain. They always fell short by a hair. And yet, deep down, I knew the problem was mine. I was in love with Terry. And perhaps, always would be.

That became a fact of my life – the sky was blue, my hair was pink and I would never, ever love anyone more than I loved him. He was carved on my heart, an indelible mark forever inside me. But I continued to be his friend. I listened when he had problems with Dana. I offered counsel. Our movie nights became something to be scheduled around their "together" time. The intimacy was gone. We became two people in the same room, on the same couch, watching the same movie. But it was different now. He no longer put his arm behind my head.

I thought I was fine. It's been years since then. We went our separate ways in college, lost touch and then reconnected. We spoke on the phone once in a while. I would tell him things without really telling him anything, and it was the same with him. I ended every conversation by telling him to say hi to Dana.

But then this…I stared at the embossed ivory card with the lilac ribbon I knew Terry had no part in choosing. All the emotions I'd so carefully folded away unfurled. I didn't know whether to scream or to tear it up. I knew he'd eventually call to see if I'd got it. He'd expect me to congratulate him, to wish him and Dana the best. He'd expect me to say, yes, I'd be happy to come to his wedding. He'd want me to reinforce the idea that Dana was truly his soulmate.

My throat hurt from silent crying. The tears had flowed unabated now for I don't know how long. My head throbbed violently, the pain making me want to curl up in a corner and squeeze my eyes shut until none of this was real. I wanted to go to Terry, to beg him not to marry her. To plead with him until he realized that I was the one he truly loved. I wanted to remind him of what we'd had that month of May so many years ago. I would go on my knees, I would clutch his body to mine and I wouldn't let go until he promised me his love.

Yes, I'd always known they'd end up together. But, despite what I had believed, I was not prepared for this moment. I hadn't anticipated the aching hollowness in my soul. I didn't know I would experience a hurt so profound, it felt like every negative experience in my life was happening all over again, all at once. I had to let him go. I had to be by his side while he made a vow of eternal devotion to the woman he loved. It was going to happen whether I approved or not. It wasn't up to me. It had never been up to me. I knew that now.

A shrill tune pierced my solitude. The phone. I stared at it in dread, then I finally dragged myself off the bed and to my desk. I checked the caller ID. It was him. The moment of truth had arrived faster than I would have wanted. I thought about ignoring the call but I knew he'd just call again. No more procrastination, I resolved. No more self-flagellation. _Just do it_, I ordered myself. _Do it._

I breathed in slowly, deeply and with a trembling hand, I picked up the phone.


End file.
